A Theme....

I have been very remiss in taking the time to write. In the past couple of weeks I have had at least a dozen different topics I write one. Some for public consumption others private. Yet I have not taken the time to put any of them down. I reflected today on why and came to realize it has to do with themes. Most of the blogs I read have a basic topic or theme. I really don't so I have felt I had no reason to contribute.

As I pondered this further I all of a sudden realized.....I AM THE THEME and the thoughts in my head are the topics. So its time to start putting it all down and sharing. Its really note about the "readership" but the therapy which comes from expressing yourself.

Le Sigh

Just once in the past two years I need something to go right in my life. It seems though that each time something seems really positive another things drops in the way. I was one day away from closing on two pieces of property. It was no longer about making big money on them but about getting out of the debt and running my life differently. One deal was a pre-approved loan and I had even signed my part of the docs. The other was a cash deal and seemed a bit iffy. However I need both to happen more than badly.

Since I am working out of state they sent me the closing documents and I got them signed on the pre-approved deal and sent back Fedex. The other deal MIGHT or MIGHT NOT close in another 10 days and I was sweating it. However I felt great about the closing docs I just signed and sent back. What a relief......until I get a call from my agent this AM. The buyer has backed out! This seemed like the more sure of the two deals so I am sent reeling at a time when I need this the most.

10 minutes later I get another call from my agent. The other "iffy" cash deal wants to close on Monday! I was THIS CLOSE to being completely out of these debt obligations and moving again towards a more "free" life. Instead I trade one closing for another and now have no buyer for one of the properties. Of course this means I still have the debt and the monthly payments which needed to go away badly.

I know I didn't get into this one in a single swoop or event and I know I won't get out in a single day either. Right now I have ONE good thing going on in my life and I cannot mess that up. Yet everyday I seem worried I am going to. Openness is the only way to go and I will continue to do that even when bad things come up! It may hurt but it's the only way to live. I have erred and I pay for those every day lately it seems. I hope soon to truly be able to move past them all.

One Foot In Front Of The Other.

On days like today even the thought of putting one foot in front of the other seems like a daunting task. I can own my mistakes but I wonder why it took me so long to do so. Its like this huge ball that building until it broke me. Once broken I see where it was all wrong and cannot fathom why I ever started down such a path.

I am totally clear on the fact I cannot fix others. Yet I tried for so long to do so when in reality I should have been working to fix myself first. How can you help anyone when you fail to help yourself? So now my endeavor in life is to work on (can we ever really be fixed as imperfect people) my issues. I also will strive to help my son to avoid acting the same manner as I have.

I have lots more on my mind but just putting some down into printed form is so helpful.

LOST...and not the TV show.

Today is more rambling than anything.  Probably because I cannot put a straight though together in my head.

I have so much to express and yet I seem fearful to do it.  Is it because I am fearful of failing in general?  That could be so.  Well actually I have failed before.  In a number of things.  I have definitely learned a lot from it.  Yet right now all this wonderful knowledge seems to be doing me squat. 

Right now I have four houses yet I feel I have no home.  Yes that's right FOUR!  Right now that is four too many.  I decided a while back this would be a year of simplification.  That means getting rid of unnecessary things.  I have already sold the Cobra and all of the properties are for sale....yet no takers or really even lookers.  Why is it once you have a revelation about where you life should be heading the path to arrive there seems so marred it seems you will never attain it.  This is currently how I feel.  I want rid of everything! I could care less about making a dime on anything either.  Just GO!

It's really just another product of freak out Wednesdays.  For some reason on Wednesdays I just CRASH.  I feel the world will crumble on top of me and everything is for naught.  It's a very surreal and frustrating situation especially because I cannot seem to get a grip on it. Some Wednesdays are ok but most are my "freak out" days.  The odds always seem insurmountable.

This blog is actually spanning a couple of days as I type but cannot seem to get it printed.  Today I feel as if I am lost.  I have zero control over myself in a number of avenue.  I have some hunches about what keeps me on an even keel but no way to test or determine if I am correct.  I feel out of control today.  Maybe it's why I want to go to the loft his weekend.  It was always been a place of solitude but now I wonder if it more of place of consternation for a number of reasons.

I have a number of great opportunities in front of me but no drive capture then.  In reality I NEED these.  I need them to move forward in life.  Honestly I think one of them is the opportunity to move on in my life with a new business.  How can I grasp it and see new light.  I really need to dig deep and find out how to take hold of this golden opportunity.  I really need support and help yet I don't know how to ask for it.  I try to be so strong and yet feel weak.

More to come.....

Gym Time

I have been struggling to get words out.  Lots of things in my mind but struggling to allow myself to put them here.

I must say traveling around Hawaii you see a lot of people in shape.  I think there are a number of reasons for this.  For the natural Hawaiian'ss and Samoan's its a fairly natural thing.  In addition they are active people.  They work hard and play hard.  They surf, paddle board, swim, kayak, hike into the mountains, etc.  They live an active lifestyle for sure.  In addition the island has a lot of military people and they are conditioned to be healthy and in shape.

The gym seems jammed all the time.  I have been this week on Tues and today (Thursday)  Both times I was there between 1:30 and 4:00 pm and the gym was not empty as you might expect.

On Tueseday I went in to do legs.  After some warm up on the elliptical I went to the basketball court.  I like to shoot and run myself silly for about 10 minutes.  The machines are just too boring to warm up with.  After that I was going to go downstairs and start lifting;  Then I was invited to play basketball.  I have been dying to play and decided to do so.  I spent the next hour running full court!  OMG I was totally exhausted after that and my legs hurt the rest of the night but it was a great workout. 

I love to play basketball and with my size I am usually the tallest person on the court and play center.  However I play more like a power forward with a push it down and grind it out game.  I enjoy an in and out.  Dump the ball to the big man and either cut to the bucket or wait for the double and kick the ball out to the open guard.  I love to run a high pick and roll as well.  Yet I seem to play with people who do not understand the game!  Even when I played in a league they seemed to forget I was there until a rebound was needed.  It becomes very frustrating.

On Tuesday I had to guys who came down the court one shared the ball and the other was "never around"  The third guy shared and obviously understood the game, but he didn't get the ball much.  The problem as usual was our "guard".  He obvoiusly thought he was meant to shoot the ball everytime he touched it.  Even if you are "Jordan" your team mates get upset if you keep hogging it.  Let me tell you this guy was NOT JORDAN.  I kept track and he was about 17% and NEVER PASSED.  The problem is even if you are an unself sharing player when you are playing with a hog and you do get the ball you end up becoming more like them.  Now that you have the rock you wanna do something with it.  I will play again and be frustrated again but thats life.

Today I decided to lift.  I have not done legs in a while and I LOVE LOWER BODY.  I always have had a much stronger lower body than upper.  Then when your lower just wants to work more....well you can get unbalanced.  This is why I have worked hard on my upper and have a long ways to go.

Today I did hack squats, squats, and deadlifts.  I starting squatting and working the weights up.  I ended up doing 3 sets of 5 at 235.  It felt GREAT!  Deep squats like my mentor trained me.  Not quite "paint buckets" but real close.  As a side note here I was told when I got a trainer this year he didn't have another client who did such correct squats.  I have only my mentor to thank for making sure I did them right...so thank you MULE.  I ended up maxing out today at 315.  I struggled to get it up and my knees were wobbly but ohhhh did it feel good!!

After that I did some deads which is my second favorite move.  I did three sets of 8 at 150 and maxed out at 225.  That was all I had left after the squats.  After these I was so pumped.  I wanted MORE.  But getting back into a routine I decied not to push it.  I completed some hack squats and did some ab work.

Z decided to go with me both days.  this is the first time she has been to work out in over a year.  I admit I was surprised at first.  I am very happy she decided to go.  This is the hardest part.....getting motived to get healthy.  I am proud of her for making the effor and I hope she keeps it up.  She is starting a new road with going back to school and can make this a new avenue to dovetail with it.

As of this writing my C4 and C5 hurt pretty good and my SI is tight but not hurting.......yet.  We will really know in the morning when I wake up and see if I can walk or not.  :)

The View

Working in the Hawaii "office" can be a bit distracting for sure.  The office is really the house we lease and it sits in the hills on the western side of the island.  The view is back across downtown Honolulu and to Diamond Head.  It is a spectacular view day or night.

You can click either and it will take you to the full image.  You can imagine how easy it is to just sit here and day dream.  Well I guess you don't day dream at night but the twinkle of the lights will just hold you staring.  Sometimes its very hard to get anything done.

Making it worse (or better) for me is the fact this directly overlooks the Honolulu International Airport.  We sit west of Runway 8 which is the main one used for incoming aircraft.  All day long you can watch the majestic birds on approach.  At night you can follow their beacon down to the runway.  For me its fantastic....sitting watching 170,000 of metal gliding effortlessly through the air.  Many times it appears they are just floating along and barely moving.  In reality they are really going 180-200 knots.  As quickly as one passes another is coming to follow. 

All in all the view is what makes this place and being able to watch the planes land is the icing on the cake.

October 16, 1998

This post will be pretty lengthy so you are fairly warned.  This is about not just the events of October 16th but my friendship with George and how he has been on my mind a lot lately.  I miss him dearly as he was my best friend; even if he was more than 20 years older than me.  Age to him was merely a number and meant nothing about how he felt or what he wanted to do.  Maybe that is what I want to emulate because honestly who wants to feel old?

First let me explain George.  He was an easy going person who loved everybody and would do anything to help you.  He had also done one of everything.  Here are a few thing,  pilot, helicopter pilot, raced (legally and illegally), ran illegal gambling out of his shop at night, been 135 mph in a jet boat, skydived......you get the idea? The list I just gave scraped the surface with him. He had fantastic stories and they will likely be woven into my blog as time goes on. 

George and I were to fly that morning to San Angelo to inspect about 50 hail damaged vehicles.  From there we were going to fly to Del Rio and inspect about 75 flood damaged vehicles.  I had to handle the claims and he was interested in possibly purchasing some of the cars.  George and I both have pilots licenses and he had a plane, a nice older Cessna 172H.

He kept the plane at a very small private airport.  The airfield is only 2,500 feet long with tall tress on three sides.  I have flown out of it a number of times with another friend but every trip in and out is definitely on the pucker meter.

We arrived before dawn and ran through the pre-flight on the plane.  After getting her out of the hanger we pulled our vehicles into the hanger and locked it up (important later).  We taxied down to the end of the runway and spun the plane around for takeoff.  This strip has 100 feet of concrete and then it is grass.  During our run up and test of all the instruments the windshield fogged over.  This is because the dew point and temperature being so close together. I hopped out (as I was the passenger technically) and wiped down the windshield so it was clear. Once back in a buckled we held the brakes, revved the engine and off we went.

As we accelerated a noticed a slight deviation from straight but nothing to be alarmed about.  As we hit V1 and rotate the windshield fogs again.  Its no huge deal as we can just fly instruments up to about 1,000 feet and it should dissipate as the temperate drops (about 3 degrees every 1,000 ft you go up).  Plus we could see clearly out the side windows.

As we continue to climb I notice the lights on the hanger are not just going straight down but AWAY from us.  This means we are moving horizontally away from the hanger which is bad.  I look out the left side window and see tree branches approaching the left wing tip. (A side note here the headsets were not working this morning so we had no noise canceling headphones to talk over where a normal conversation is easy, instead it was VERY LOUD in the cockpit). When flying and communication information, especially things important,you make it short and sweet. I leaned over and excitedly told George (he was flying)  "TREES LEFT, TREES LEFT".

George and I were good enough friends and had flown enough together that we trusted each others judgment implicitly.  This is very important in aviation as it could save your life by listening to your partner in the cockpit.  On this occasion however it was bad.  George misunderstood what I said.  He thought I said  "VEER LEFT".  Trusting me he turned left........directly into the trees doing 65 knots and about 60 feet off the ground.  This was the end result: 

 I remember hitting the trees, feeling the plane turn left and then down.  I also remember vividly what we both said (and I will not repeat here).  At impact we saw a spark in the dash and wanted out immediately for fear of a fire. In training you are instructed to tell passengers to pop their door before and emergency landing.  I don't remember doing it put I popped my door.  Sure enough George's was crushed into the fuselage.

I pulled myself up and out the door and stepped out (I am obviously in shock at this point).  As I step off the door I fall and find I am hanging upside down by  the back of my shoe caught on the door.  I dislodge it and fall to the ground.  I actually was laughing at myself for that stupid move.  George exits the plane and his head is bleeding.  He was bald and scraped it up pretty bad.  The seat belts definitely saved our lives. 

We stumble out of the wood and go back to the hanger.  We had delusions of going to Montgomery County Airport and renting another plane to continue our trip (definitely in shock)!  We go to enter the hanger and realize.......the keys to the hanger are in the plane.  It took us 45 minutes to find the plane in the trees.  Two reason behind that.  1.) The trees in around the airstrip are very dense and the plane is white and green blending in. 2.) and likely the bigger reason....we just crashed an airplane and walked away and were both still in shock!!

We finally get our stuff out of the plane and our cars out of the hanger.  We agree to each head home and to call each other in a little while about continuing our trip (still delusional). I headed home and woke Z up to tell her.  She was dazed and couldn't understand why I was home.  I ended up heading back to the airstrip to be interviewed by the NTSB about the accident.  Then I went to the office and worked as if nothing happened.  Z and I ended up driving that night to San Angelo and then following day to Del Rio completing the work that needed to be done.

The shirt I wore that day still hangs in my closet.  I doubt it fits anymore but I cannot seem to get rid of it.  I can close my eyes and relive this event second by second as if it were yesterday. There are tons of tiny detail I did not include as this is long enough already. 

George and I agreed to have a meal together every year on the anniversary of our crash.  Sadly we only got to do that once.  In the spring of 2000 George had a minor motorcycle accident.  It messed his shoulder up.  In July he had surgery to the shoulder and was released to go home and recuperate.  He died of complications with his medication in the days that followed.  I remember sitting in my office after returning from lunch at Luby's and being told he died.  I was in shock.  Not just my best friend but someone who had done so much and to end up dying of a drug complication.  I often think of him. It's always about how vibrant he was and how much fun he was to be around.  He was certainly larger than life.

Till the day he died we each blamed ourselves for the crash.  I feel if i had said nothing within five more seconds we would have been clear the trees and on our way to Del Rio.  George felt that he he had been paying better attention to the instruments and heard what I said accurately we would not have gone lumber-jacking with the prop. A few months prior he had a hard landing and bent one of the planes struts.  Although it was repaired I believe that is what started us slightly off the runway center line as we started our takeoff roll and we kept on that angle after rotating.

By the way only 1/10th of 1% of people who crash ever crash again...so I am all done with that!  I have flow again and the first time I had a few butterflies.  Although not current I hope to get current next year.  I do miss flying badly.  This is little as peaceful as being in the air.

If you have any interest in reading the full NTSB Report you can click HERE.  More in the days to follow!  Again I know it was long but I hope it was enjoyable.